The “Fun Dad” Manipulation Trap: Protecting Children in High-Conflict Custody Cases From Being Alienated Against Mom
As an adult, I did not realize I was being abused by my
partner. Because there were no bruises, I assumed the relationship was normal.
When I was introduced to the Power and Control Wheel and physical violence
would be the next step. After the divorce he created a high-conflict custody
battle to get custody of the children and manipulate me into going back to him
or further torture me as my world was about my children. Then learning how
abusive the family court system is and being abused by the system that was meant
to protect.
At the time, my former spouse was manipulating my children,
who were 3, 8, and 12, in ways that made them want to live with him so he could
gain custody. He was the “fun dad” and allowed behaviors that were
inappropriate, while I was left enforcing boundaries. When that approach does
not work, some fathers may shift to emotional tactics, trying to make the
children feel sorry for them or blaming the mother. They may say things like,
“Your mom is taking all my money,” “I have nowhere to live,” “I miss you,” or
“Your mom is out partying and taking everything from me.”
After coming across information about Parental Alienation
Syndrome (PAS) and became concerned that he might use it against me in court. It
was difficult to find the words to explain to my children what was happening. I
often wondered whether that was because I was only beginning to understand
power, control, and manipulation myself or the feat of it being used against
me.
This experience made me want to help other mothers whose
children have been alienated from them by a manipulative father. I have seen
how effective play therapy can be for young children, and using popular kids’
movies in therapy was always engaging for them. That led me to wonder: why not
use movies to help children understand these dynamics? In college, I had to
critique a movie and explain its underlying dynamics to the class. I chose Shrek
2, and everyone was surprised by what was really happening in the story. If
grown adults can miss those dynamics, how can we expect children to recognize
them and understand the lesson on their own?
Teachers use movies with children all the time, but if
children are not asked direct questions, do they really understand the lesson
or message? Hearing from other mothers also gave me perspectives I had not
considered before.
Children look to their parents first to understand the
world. As a girl, I saw my father as the greatest man on earth until I was 15,
when his true character became impossible to ignore and our relationship ended.
Not taking the time to understand my father’s
manipulative patters led me to marry a man much like my father.
Parents keep children safe when they are young, and by the
preteen years they begin to let children make small mistakes so they can learn.
We have all heard the saying, “If Melissa jumps off a bridge, are you going to
jump off the bridge too?” The question is: how do we help preteens and
teenagers understand manipulation well enough to make better choices?
Society also teaches children that parents are inherently
“good.” We teach children to trust their parents that teach them values,
culture, love, respect, fairness, and compromise. When a child begins to see
that a parent may not be acting in those ways, it can create deep internal
conflict. When one parent teaches honesty, fairness, and respect while the
other models the opposite, that contradiction can be deeply confusing for a
child. The possible connection to ADHD is a separate topic for another article.
One mother compared this to buying a computer and later
realizing it lacks the touchscreen features needed for a smoother workflow. In
life, when you did not receive the tools you needed in childhood, improving
that “workflow” often requires doing the work later through therapy or
spiritual healing.
For years, I wanted to use movies that portray manipulation
to help children, much like I did in my college course. The goal was for
children to reach their own conclusions rather than hear one parent explain
what the other parent was doing. Drawing on my degree and my work with
children, I began shaping the language so it could also be useful in
court-related settings and as a therapeutic tool for clinicians. I also wanted
a name that would be memorable. I kept thinking about the moment in a story
when new information changes how the character or viewer understands
everything—a plot twist. That became the name. Parents can now watch a movie
with their child, use guided questions, and start conversations that encourage
the child to think more deeply about manipulation. I invite you to check out PlotTwist
and share with your friends who are being alienated from their children.
DK Family Court Coach is a trusted voice in the family court
space. After experiencing a high-conflict DARVO case and uncovering the GAL
sold her former spouse custody and the use of torture tactics to keep all eyes
off them, she turned her experience into advocacy. Today, she educates and
supports other mothers by helping them understand the tactics often used in
high-conflict family court cases.
How
Fathers Are Drawn Into Custody Fights They Never Wanted
Noncustodial
Mothers Are Leading America (NALA)
Forced
to Flee: When Mothers Say the System Left Them No Safe Place to Stay
Resources For Noncustodial Mothers
Silenced
in Court, Heard on Air: Noncustodial Mothers and the Power of Podcasts
Was
or is custody being sold in your child custody case?
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